It probably came as a surprise to you when you learnt last week that the world was going to end on May the 21st and that no one had thought to tell you any sooner. I only had two days warning, which is frankly not enough to prepare for Hell.
But on Sunday the 22nd I was still here with everyone else and on Tuesday I read with some relief on the BBC that the rapture had actually been rescheduled for October 21st, giving us almost 5 months this time. Now, while some of us are bound for Heaven, some might want to know what lies in store in Hell.
Well, Hell will be hot and fiery and horrible and you’ll want to keep an eye out for papa bear there who’s called Beelzebub, a.k.a. Satan. Here’s a drawing of him from 1863, by Collin de Plancy in his Dictionnaire Infernal.
He might have changed a bit in the last 150-odd years but if you’re trying to spot him in the large crowd of sinners gadding around down in Hell you’ll recognize him easily thanks to those two distinctive skull and crossbones tattoos.
Yesterday, one of my Hebrew-speaking friends told me that Beelzebub actually translates as “lord of the flies” and pointed out that he looks a bit like a fly in the drawing too.
That was an embarrassingly awkward moment for me because I actually work for Rentokil and our job is to kill flies, we’re even supposed to be very good at it. (Correction: We are very good at it. ) So you see, you haven’t completely wasted your time reading this because now I can offer you some expert advice on preparing yourselves for flies, hell and Beelzebub)
The most practical and effective Beelzebub-proofing solution is to get one of our crème de la crème electric fly killers (the bigger the better) before of the Rapture and take it to hell with you – along with a good book and a few cans of French Bélzebuth beer to enjoy after the stress of vanquishing Satan. FYI: our Luminos fly killers are the best and come in various shapes and sizes to suit your suitcase.
Note: In the event there’s a wild rush to buy Luminos EFKs and stock runs out before you can get your hands on one, you can order online at a later date as there’s internet service in Hell, too (but it’s dial-up).